December 9, 2012

The Office – true account of a few days in the life

I was given this document from Paul who spent a few days scribbling this down in order to get through his soul destroying days in the rat race of a typical office environment.

Enjoy!!

MD – BARRY

ADMIN – TRICIA

CONSULTANT – PAUL

Scene 1

Barry in meetings all day.

Tricia: Paul, what class stamp would you like on this letter?

Paul: Not bothered, 1st or 2nd is fine.

Tricia: Well if it’s not important I’ll put a 2nd class on as it’s cheaper.

Paul: That’s fine.

Tricia: It won’t get there for a few days tho….

Paul: I know, that’s fine.

Tricia: As its Friday, I may be better putting a 1st class stamp on it.

Paul: ok. Put a 1st class stamp on it

Tricia: Shall I ask Barry when he gets back??

Scene 2

Barry: ”Now, what bank would do finance on a scaffolding?” (Paces the room, chewing it over while tapping his lip with his index finger)

Barry: Actually says “bing” and clicks his fingers…..”ING!”

Tricia: ”Brillllllllllllllliant!”

Paul: Speechless

Scene 3

Barry: Makes a joke about his baldness.

Paul:…… sitting there with his grey hair………..

Tricia: Well it’s better to have no hair than to go grey”

Scene 4

Paul: Tricia, would you like a cup of coffee?

Tricia: looks at the clock “yes please”

Scene 5

A letter comes to the company with the wrong postcode.

Tricia: look at this, they got our postcode wrong, despicable!!!

Barry: A lot of the mail is automated, so they probably haven’t picked up on it.

Tricia: Shall I send them a letter telling them.

Barry: I would suggest you do!

Scene 6

Tricia: The office downstairs have left the main office doors open.

Barry: They leave the heating on all day and leave the main door open. Their bill must be huge.

Tricia: It must be because their all on very low wages!!!!

Scene 7

Barry: The light bulb is missing from the men’s toilets? It must have been the office downstairs. They must be pinching them?! It just confirms there low wage!!

Tricia: most definitely!!

Scene 8

Paul: Tricia, this deal is now complete; could you file it for me?

Tricia: Immaculate clean desk “can you put a note on it and put it in my (empty) in-tray?

Paul: ok have you got a post it note? (Tricia hands me a post it note- and I write “please file” and put it in her in-tray).

Tricia: ”Thanks” as she picks up the file and reads the note and starts to file it immediately

Scene 9

Paul: Tricia, where have you stored the business pending file on the pc?

Tricia: Under sheet.

Paul: Sheets? what is sheets?

Tricia:Ha ha- what is sheets! Paul all files in word are stored under docs and all excel files are stored under sheets (a.k.a spread-”sheets”)

Paul:What the……..Why don’t you just make a file named “business pending”?

Tricia: confused look on her face!!! I’ve always done it like that!

Scene 10

General conversation about cooking….

Paul: I cook pasta with chicken soup as the sauce, it’s awesome-I lived on that at uni cus it was cheap!”

Tricia: “I can’t do that, I have to follow a recipe, I’m not that adventurous. David (her husband) is good at knocking meals up, he puts peas in his curry!!!!”

Daily Occurances at work - Tricia:

9:00AM-coffee

11:00AM-2 crackers with philidelpia (light) with coffee

1:00PM-Tuna on burgen bread- with coffee

3:00PM-2 more crackers- with coffee

4:00PM- Coffee

Mon-Fri/12 months of the year without fail!!

Scene 11

Barry: Paul, your NPV and IRR figures are wrong!

Paul: Are they?!

Barry: sigh….this is what I’ve got! Gospel!! I suggest you try to match my figures on you HP12c and have them on my desk upon my return!!

Paul: (1hour later) err….Barry I can’t get to your figures? err…..

Barry: Sits down and tries to find the error then shreds “his calculations” …..” I almost prefer it that way”!!

Scene 12

Barry: Paul, you must get into the psyche of your clients, you must understand what their thinking, why their thinking and how their thinking. You must understand their tone of voice and analyse changes in motion, put yourself in their shoes….blah blah blah…

Paul: Ok

Barry: ”I wake up at 4:00am thinking about deals!!!”

Scene 13

Barry: Paul, please could you write a highlevel adended memoire report on “the industry” by

Friday

Paul: Sure

Google: highlevel

Google: adended

Google: memoire

Favorite quotes;

Barry:

-Did anyone leave a “massage”?

-Don’t let the grass grow under your feet.

-I’ts all about added value.

-Think outside the box

-Touch base.

-Sky blue thinking

-Playing the white man

-You have to be a sheep dog in this industry

-”COME ON…..lets get motivated”

-”COME ON BARRY……focus”

-Well that’s right

-High level

-Vanilla basket rate

-Keep your powder dry

Scene 14

Tricia: This is terrible!

Paul: Whats that?

Tricia: This web site has spelt waiting wrong?

Paul: Huh, have they….

Tricia:Yeah, they have put “London weighting rather than waiting”!

Paul: It’s supposed to be London weighting. What would they be waiting for?

Tricia: huh?

Paul: Nothing….

Scene 15

In the office:

All: Silence

Bird flies into our 2nd floor window, knocks itself out and falls to the ground.

All: Silence, not a word is muttered!!?

Scene 16

Barry: Paul, do you have my HP12c (calculator)?

Paul: err don’t know!

Barry: Look underneath!

Paul: …………..In tipex “BARRY”!!!

Scene 17

Barry: Tricia, I have a meeting tomorrow morning with a funder, it would be useful to have a list of the business we have submitted to them over the last 12 months.

Tricia: O.k, I’ll have it on your desk by the morning.

NEXT MORNING

Tricia: Were running out of sellotape!

Paul: ?!?…………(Looks at Tricia’s blue peter job) what’s that?

Tricia: Its Barry’s figures for his meeting, it wouldn’t fit on 1 page in excel so I had to print out 4 pages and sellotape them together!!!!